Wednesday, 16 August 2017

How Insecurity Harms Your Relationship




“Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in”. Shannon L. Alder

Few days ago, I wrote on some of the tell-tale signs of insecurity in relationships either married or dating. Please read here: https://toyinidowu.blogspot.com.ng/2017/08/tell-tale-signs-of-insecurity-in-your.html Don’t forget, we defined insecurity as a feeling of uncertainty, a lack of confidence or anxiety about one self. And when people are so unsecured in themselves, they carry the attitude into their relationships and make a negative impact on it because insecurity is all about negativism. When an unsecured person starts a relationship with a positive person, such an individual contaminates that relationship with envy, doubts, bitterness and control which are all products of negative feelings that get him or her consumed with jealousy.

I need to state categorically at this point that contrary to beliefs from unsecured people, insecurity which manifests through jealousy does not in any way draw your partner to you; rather it drives them away from you each passing day. Each time you display jealousy expecting your partner to conform to your wishes; on the contrary, it only makes him or her get withdrawn further from you and he or she will have some sort of reservations for you. This is not good for relationships especially if it’s at the initial stage.

We can understand some things happen that make some partners seem so unsecured in their relationships. For example, if a partner is known to be a pathological liar or there had been history of unfaithfulness, these experiences could trigger insecurity in someone. But then, there are other periods that this is just the person’s nature, rather than keep damaging your emotions and the other person’s, it is better you voice out your concerns so that both of you can walk through it together constructively.

Having laid the background on this, we shall examine the different ways in which your insecurity harms your relationship.



Lack of Trust The first way insecurity harms your relationship is that it introduces lack of trust in your relationship. Because one of the partner is so unsecured, it becomes so difficult to trust the other party even when you are at your peak. Such people easily read meanings to normal phone calls; kind gestures to opposite sex, harmless text messages, hugs and so on. Lack of trust in a relationship is a very terrible ingredient; its presence easily collapses a thriving relationship. Without trust, it can’t work!

Assumption More often than not, unsecured people have this nauseating attitude of reading their partners and assuming wrongly even in their quiet state. When they call and there is no response, they assume the worst. When there is a slight misunderstanding and the other partner decides to keep quiet in order to give peace a chance, they can equally read meanings to it and infer a lot of things from that singular action. Reading minds and trying to assume the worst about one’s partner stifle a relationship to become a night mare.

Resentment When the unsecured partner keeps stalking and making issues out of no issues in the relationship, the other party begins to nurse the feeling of resentment. Resentment is a bitter feeling towards another person whereby his or her presence no longer excites you. It doesn’t just start in a relationship without a reason, most of it is as a result of insecurity.

Withdrawal People naturally want to be comfortable and be around those who will not be difficult to be with. Insecurity could be embarrassing, irritating and depressing. When a partner begins to experience this at frequent intervals, he or she begins to withdraw in order to avoid stress or anything that could trigger the negative attitude. This is a step away from breaking up.

Break-Up Insecurity murders relationships that have potentials to grow and succeed because the initial harmful effects mentioned above have taken a toll on the partners involved. Usually, the healthy partner is the first to initiate the break up while the unsecured one seldom agrees to the break up despite his or her various accusations of unfaithfulness but then, the other partner at the receiving end has got to do what he or she needs to do and move on.

The Salient Harm Depending on how long one stays with an unsecured person in a relationship, if care is not taken, the healthy partner could become vulnerable and lose his or her own self esteem as well. This negative attitude is like an aura that permeates without knowing. You may be thinking you are fighting the attitude from the other partner is making life miserable for you as a result of his or her insecurity but deep down in you, you are gradually losing it and becoming like the unsecured partner. This is the more reason why people need to be very careful with negative people around them. The closest person to you influences your thought pattern unknowingly most times.

                                                        (C)RealityCheck2017

Saturday, 12 August 2017

Mind Sets Are So Powerful!


It's a good thing to pray, fast, do vigils and attend so many miraculous church programmes. If all these work for you, fine. But you know what? All these will just be efforts in futility if you don't change your mind set. Mindsets are so powerful because they control what we eventually come up with in life. None of the results in our life today is devoid of our mindsets and what we will eventually amount to in future is to a large extent a function of our mindsets.

Mindsets are fixed attitudes or ideas that you have which are often difficult to change. They also design your values and chart your course in life. Your mindset simply makes you who you are. What sort of mindset are you having in every aspect of your life?
  


You will keep having problems with jobs if your attitude reeks that of "30 days make one pay", whether you work or not. When you are lazy and can't go extra mile on your job, no matter the type of spiritual exercise you engage in, when push comes to shove, you will be replaced. No matter the seed or offering you sow irrespective of the anointing oil you use, no matter who laid hands on you, if you don't prepare and do the needful for the interview you are going for, grace will not speak for you!

Relationship wise, when you stick to your traditions without reviewing them when it’s obvious they are not working for you, you will keep having problems with your relationships. When you have a negative mindset towards everybody you come across or comes your way, it will be very difficult for you to hold a meaningful relationship. If your mindset is such that all men are the same or all women are the same and this is how to treat them, "wahala go dey". When you dump the success of your relationship on God's laps and expect Him to help you succeed at it even when you are not ready to slave for it and work things out, you can't have a meaning relationship but keep engaging in spiritual exercises that will not yield any result.


If you are not creating time deliberately to be at home and see things happen under your nose, no amount of "as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" will work. You can't eat your cake and have it, you can't be up there and at the same time give the impression that you are down here with them. If you crave for a smooth relationship with your kids, be deliberate about it. You can't know what's in their hearts if you don't know what's in their school bags first!

(C)RealityCheck2017

Saturday, 5 August 2017

Tell-Tale Signs of Insecurity In Your Partner






“Chances are that when someone hates on you, it’s not about you at all. It’s about them. It’s their fear, their jealously, their boredom, and their insecurity.” - Unknown Author.

To be insecure is to have a feeling of uncertainty, a lack of confidence or anxiety about yourself. It’s a state whereby you have not accepted your own sort of uniqueness and doubt if you actually have something in you that can benefit other people or the society at large. This eventually makes you result into a state of pity that you eventually take out on other people especially in your relationships. Being insecure could be circumstantial or a continuing pattern of life from childhood due to an awkward upbringing, mostly. For example, if your partner lost a loved one or had a fall in life like a broken relationship or failed an important exam, the corresponding reaction to the event could manifest through insecurity for some time. But in a situation whereby it has been a major lifestyle, then it becomes a serious issue which one may not be able to treat with a quick fix of affection and reassurance that such people demand. Insecure peeps can only help themselves to a larger extent!

In this write-up, we shall only examine the signs of insecurity in our partners if we have one in our lives. It is pertinent to be able to spot the tell-tale signs early enough to actually know what we are dealing with, in order to aid us in taking a decision whether to stay back and help him or her overcome or back out of the relationship.

1. Lack of Trust
In Joseph Nowinski’s words, this partner thinks of himself as unworthy, unlovable and of other people as untrustworthy. When your partner keeps telling you how unworthy or a failure he or she is and how every other person can’t be trusted for one reason or the other, then there is a deep-seated insecurity problem which definitely makes them to keep nursing the impression that you are cheating on them or still have an eye for your ex, even when you had broken up for a long time. In extreme cases, such partners could accuse you of having an affair with a co-worker, church member, neighbour or just accuse you of using him or her as a second fiddle because he's not good enough for you.

2. Break-Up Threat
This sort of immature attitude is mostly exhibited by the men. They break up with you or threaten to do so many times over very little inconsequential issues just to get you to validate their brittle ego. Not that they really want to let go of you though, but just to test your commitment. You hear things like, “I don’t think you love me enough…, I think you are just deceiving me… or I don’t feel wanted” etc. If you are not smart enough, you will get hooked in that messy relationship but once you call his bluff, he will begin to know it’s not business as usual. But then, the insecurity mask is still there and probably looks for another avenue to express itself.

3. Constant Stalking and Jealousy
The insecure partner often feels you are hiding something from him on your mail, phone, or social media. Whenever you post anything on tweeter, Face book or Instagram, she is quick to follow it and read meanings to some of the comments and the post in itself. It becomes worse if you didn’t notify him or her before making a post about any of your unusual or special events. He may demand for passwords to any of your social media accounts or stylishly ask to go through your phone or e-mails. Such partner even demands to know whose call you were receiving or who you were sending a text message to. And should you decline to feed his or her curiosity, it will definitely result into cheap blackmail and get messier.

Constant stalking and jealousy go hand in hand and they happen as a result of insecurity in partners. They compare the time you spend with friends with what you spend with them and begin to feel jealous. They can’t understand why you have to hang out with church members or co-workers after work. Being friendly with an opposite colleague on a platonic level is a tall order especially if that colleague of yours looks more attractive or richer. Initially, you may be enjoying the jealousy as a normal thing, after all we all need a measure of it in our relationships but as time goes on, you begin to get chocked.

4. Quest for Constant validation.
Insecure people are attention seekers who get their self-esteem from other people’s opinion rather than their inner satisfaction and conviction. An insecure partner would always want you to tell him or her how beautiful, lovable and valued he or she is and ask questions if he or she is loved over and over again. Don’t get me wrong, we all need to be validated but when it comes from an insecure heart, it usually takes a different turn and becomes difficult to handle. Even when you assure such partners, they still don’t believe you. To them, it’s just a flattery or lip service.

5. Control
An insecure partner will always want to control how you spend your time, money and even your commitment to your family. He or she wants your day to start and end with him or her. The whole drama starts with criticism which is aimed at weakening your individuality. He criticises almost everything about you that is different from his because he or she feels having you under his or her close monitor and conformity to his or her ways will lower your risk of cheating. Moreover, another twist to this is that an insecure partner can’t stand criticism. Such becomes defensive at the slightest constructive criticism even when there is no need for that. When next you open up to your insecure partner about an attitude you want changed, watch it, he or she may take it personally and turn it around rather than looking inwards to consider a change of attitude.

6. A “YES” Lady
At first, this might interest you but trust me as time goes on, you get bored at it because it looks like there is no creativity in the relationship. Your woman will definitely like all what you like and say yes to every stupid thing you say even at her own detriment. This is a bid to make sure she satisfies you and no other woman gets to snatch you away from her. She is bringing nothing to the table because she relies on you the “almighty” to always supply ideas. Her own is to follow suit. This is a very strong indication of insecurity.

                                      (C)RealityCheck2017

Friday, 4 August 2017

An Epic Event That Took Place In My Office

July 17, 2017, around 10.30am, I was with my boss in his office reflecting on some of the things that happened the previous week. All of a sudden, we started hearing an uproar from another part of the office. The noise wasn't that of an impending danger because it was a bit uniform, similar to that of a musical voice crescendo. But what could be happening? Trust my nosy nature, I quickly excused myself to go and find out.

Getting there, few people who saw me began to adjust and started talking in a hush-hush voice because they knew I came from the boss. I moved near one of my colleagues and asked what the issue was. Apparently, an e-mail emanated from the Human Resources department caused the "joyful commotion". What was the content of this email? It was to notify the entire office about a forthcoming wedding this month between two of our colleagues in the same office. Wow....it came as a pleasant shock to everybody perhaps being the first time in our organisation but not me because I was privy to some things during my guy's "kurukere" moves.


Really, that wouldn't be a strange thing and I know it will not be a news to a lot of us because it happens everywhere. But you know what really caught my attention about this union? Every single person in the office has got one good thing or the other to say about this young, pretty, kindhearted, gentle, well-mannered and unassuming lady in question! Even her female colleagues testified to the fact that our guy got a good lady to marry. This would be the first time in my life that every single person of about 80 workers would be having good things to say about a lady all through. As I reflected on this, i came up with some qualities which I would like to share with my single ladies especially because it still tells me that what men are looking for in a marriage partner still remains the same. Not only that, faithfulness and good deeds pay a lot.

1. For the purpose of this write up, I will name the lady Aminat and our guy, Dele. Aminat is a very cool headed lady. Times without number, people have stepped on her toes but her reactions were never out of order. "She put body for ground well well......o fara bale."

2. Aminat is a very reserved lady but at the same time very friendly and not boring. When you engage her in conversation or argument, you would definitely enjoy your flow with her but you will never see her play carelessly with any opposite sex in the office. She comports herself in a very modest manner. Go to some organisations and you see how loose some ladies could be with their male colleagues. You even see some married women who are very comfortable with single guys slapping their buttocks at will. Our Aminat has got no record of scandal with anyone!

3. Another testimony about Aminat was that she has got courtesy and respect for everyone. She happens to be a lady who will never get tired of being the one to first say hello to you whether you see her or not. Always ready to help and share her things with you. I personally experienced these things about her.

4. This point shocked me most coming from her female friends at work! She is a very domesticated lady! As "tushed" as Aminat is, there is no type of local soup/food that Aminat doesn't know how to prepare. I am talking of a Lekki babe here o. Asides this, if you meet her washing plate after lunch at work, depending on the timing, Aminat would gladly offer to help you wash without you asking her to do so. I learnt she is the only lady that does that in the whole of my office!

5. In as much as anybody is free to marry who she likes, I doff my cap for her saying "yes" to my very handsome, lively, honest and kindhearted Dele despite the fact that they are in the same office and on the same level earning the same salary. Like I said earlier, this is a Lekki babe who told me she got her international passport processed and delivered to her in less than 48 hours. I know it's no big deal but I just mentioned that so that we can have an idea of where she is coming from. She laid all those ones aside and more to start building her life afresh with a very promising young guy.....she wasn't looking for an already made man.

6. It's most likely that Aminat would have to make the sacrifice and resign her appointment with the organisation. She saw it as a risk worth taking and she is doing it for the man she loves. That's another big lesson.

These and many more made me see reasons why she had a resounding testimony, why a well-trained and focused man went for her. Thank you Aminat for the reassurance that there is still hope for serious minded guys like your guy.


As you both become one tomorrow, 5th of August, I can only wish you two love without end in Jesus name. Wishing you a happy married life. Congratulations my people!

(C) RealityCheck2017

Saturday, 13 February 2016

Etiology Of Female Power - A Valentine Poem For Men


Here is a very powerful poem written by my dear friend, Yahaya Balogun from Arizona for the delight of married couples especially the men in this valentine period. Please do enjoy it, and i can assure you that it will definitely ignite something in you. Happy Valentine!!! 




I am a woman with female power
Your beautiful bride, so radiant!
I have used my mother-nature(power)

To achieve my goals.
Power that is carefully crafted
To prepare my nest for your lust.


My nest is fertile with fecund love
It makes you lame and tame.
My beauty makes your brain
To take a French leave


To you love is blind;
Love to me is not blind
It has eyes with vision for night
A clear visual for day.


Your love for me is a temporary insanity
Being cured by our marriage
Oh! My suitor-in-lust.
Love is blind to your best interests


My love for you is far from being insane,
I am anything but fool or blind
To my own interests, I see my wants.


My mother had thought me in her womb
All weapons I need to arrest a man's love
I subsumed myself to unearth you
In the parallel universe


And to all codes I need after my cradle
To make my man my slave-nest

I have your emotional attachment
In my custody


I train my man to cord his feelings insuperably
From my body( lust)
I have conditionally sentenced you
To the prison of love
As long as you crave for my body.


Contrary to norm
You chase me around until I caught you
You are firmly in my grip and confinement
As you have lost your freedom
My nest is for you to dwell
For as long as you lust me.


My own love for you is a smoke
Made with fume of sigh.
I have solid weapons at my disposal.
Lust, love, romance and motherly care
Each is potent with unique purpose
To embellish my nest and tame you.


Lust is an emotional disease,
That metastasizes you to crave for me at any cost

Love is an instrument that cords your feelings, with my smitten-nest
And addicts you to my body(lust)


Romance beclouds your sense of judgement to discern my hanky-panky with you
Motherly care is a marital buffer,
That makes marriage lasts forever.

On our wedding day,
Your smile was naturally authentic
As you danced away ignorantly
To the celebration of your own defeat.


After our nuptial,
As we both dance to your vanquish,
I saw empathy on the faces
Of men who had been married before you.


As I kissed you in the full glare of the crowd,
I soliloquize joyfully to my mind.
That the fool is firmly in my nest-slave.
I can use him the way I want eternally.

The fool has lost his freedom to me
As long as he lusts me


Woe! unto woman with no power to command men.

Woman power is gentle, kind and lovingly mischievous
Women who know how to use their natural power
Rule the (men's) world.

Happy Valentine day to you my naiveté. #RealitywithTID

By: Yahaya Balogun,
      Arizona, USA