Except we keep
deceiving ourselves, no two people come into marriage and completely fit into each other’s
lifestyle immediately. The number of years spent courting is really not significant
here because while courting, a lot of situations control our affairs like
distance, time, emotions, religious background etc. And due to the fact that
there is never any opportunity to stay under one roof as a couple for 24
straight hours, makes it easier for us to gloss over issues because some special
issues never had the opportunity to surface not until the knot is tied. So,
there are still quite a number of underlining concerns to deal with,
compromises to make, attitudes to shelve, ideas to nurture and characters to model
when marriage finally happens. But sadly enough, the expectation of so many of
us while we go into marriage is that things will just automatically go well,
no, it doesn’t happen that way. Marriage takes a process of adjustment.
In as much as it is not out of place to have such an expectation,
having courted for minimum of one year, we should at least be used to one
another properly. But is this realistic? No wonder, quite a lot of marriages
break up and no thanks to this strange and cumbersome expectation. Issues
happen based on individual differences which need not be allowed to get out of
hand if only we are ready. It is a process of adjustment but before then, let
me quickly demystify two misconceptions we have about marriage.
First of all, it is important for us to know that our
marriages are just the sincere extension of who we were before walking down the
aisle. No miracle of transformation happens on the wedding day per se. The huge
misconception here is that we think our partners must have a change of attitude
and character in all ramifications the moment we both say “Yes, we do”! That
guy can’t change from who he used to be neither has that lady changed a bit. A
dishonest guy will keep being dishonest, a sneaky and introvertish woman will
still manifest the same thing in marriage due to the fact that they are who they
are. The same thing those who have not been happy with themselves and think marriage will transform them, most times, it fails!
I believe you now understand that coming into marriage
with some unrealistic expectations could be quite frustrating and disappointing.
This is one reason why it is very advisable for unmarried singles to be aware
of themselves, keep developing themselves and deal with issues in their lives
before dabbling into marriage. Are you unmarried? Then, focus on being a better
person from now on because no miracle happens to you on your wedding day…you
simply import who you were as a single guy or lady into your marriage and then
the music goes on.
Another misconception about this is that we believe we
are very powerful and loving enough to change our spouses Just because we are
married to him or her. We assume the role of a mother-hen and keep doing a lot
of nasty things like being over protective, nagging, ordering around just in a
bid to quickly get our spouses to conform to our ways. However, when it looks
like all these don't work at our own time, we get frustrated and our love begins
to dwindle. Many of us find it a herculean task to even change somethings about
ourselves, many of us have been fighting hard some habits for the past seven
years of our lives with no success yet we expect to change our partners
instantly. How easy? Don’t get hypocritical with this!
In case you don’t know, when two people come together
as husband and wife, they have ideals, characters, attitudes, way of life,
values etc they have lived with for at least two whooping decades of their
lives which they bring into their new home because that’s what they are used
to. Now, it will be very unrealistic to expect that such ideals and way of life
are thrashed completely after two weeks of marriage or after one year! It doesn’t
work that way. This is where the tactics for adjustment process come in and
most often than not, it varies for individuals. For some couples, it takes 5 to
10 years before they can get it right. At times, one party doesn’t even change
but the other party just accepts him or her that way.
In two days’ time, I will upload the concluding part
on three major process of adjustment.
(C)rwnomoreloss 2014
No comments:
Post a Comment